You thought wrong

If you’re on the internet as much as I am, you’ve doubtless encountered websites with end-of-article features like this:

This one is by Outbrain, which bills itself as “the leading content discovery solution.” I used to do PR for technology clients, so let me apologize — once again — for ever having used language like that.

I thought about doing a HuffPo Spoilers-style post where I would, in their words, “give in to (the) click-bait so you don’t have to,” but I really don’t want to give in to the click-bait. Instead, in the spirit of “how to dress for your shape,” I’m just going to go ahead and guess what these Teasy Teasersons — found on TLC.com — might be all about:

10 Things Your Kid Should NOT Be for Halloween
1 through 9: Adolf Hitler.
10: Sexy nurse.

5 Fall Green Cleaning Tips
Oh, I am sorry, but are we cleaning TWICE a year now? That is OPPRESSIVE. And we’re supposed to be environmentally sensitive all at the same time? What load of PATRIARCHAL BULLSHINE.

HowStuffWorks “Costumes 101 Pictures”
Ha ha ha … what?

How to Pick a Paint Color
Do you like it? YES / NO
If YES, pick it.

10 Hairstyles That Make You Look Thinner
1. Inflatable dreads.
2. The Skunk (black on sides, white up the middle).
3. Over-sized sombrero.
4. Over-sized sombrero that is made out of corn (optional: cheese dip in crown).
5. The van Goghtee.
6. Beehive (made with actual bees; everyone is thinner when viewed at a distance).
7. Pigtails (made with actual pigs).
8. The Tennessee Wall.
9. Asymmetrical blob.
10. Pielights.

Ultimate Guide to Recycled Milk Jug Crafts
You guys, do NOT read this article. They ask you for your mailing address and two weeks later they mail you eight mimeographed pages of bedazzled bird feeders.

Ultimate Guide to Green Building
I asked my three-year-old what this might be about. He said, “you do a Lego but you only use the green ones.” Yeah, that sounds about right.

Painting Siding
This looks complicated. I think I’m just going to hang up another bird feeder and play with Lego instead.

5 Tips for Cleaning Glass Without Streaks
Pretty sure this list consists of vinegar, vinegar, vinegar, vinegar, newspapers.

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