Canadian Political Staffers as Introduced by the Westminster Dog Show Announcer

The Westminster Kennel Club show is on this week, and aside from the very pretty and probably not-horrible-smelling stars of the show, my favourite part of the entire event has to be the announcements made when each dog is introduced.

I wondered what those introductions would sound like if they were written for people.

So I wrote some, for the hardest-working people I know and love: Canadian political staffers.

I’ve double-checked with GEDS, and can confirm that all of the names — always the very best part of every Westminster introduction — are fictional.

“A perfect balance of eager curiosity and curious eagerness, Laurentian Summer Interns were originally bred to fetch rolls of thermal fax paper and shred sensitive documents by hand. A favourite of Previously Most Junior staffers, Interns are welcome additions to any office. This is Laurentian Summer Intern number twelve, Wandering Badgeless Glenlivet Aggrandizement.”

“Among all breeds of political staffers, few are as battle-tested as the Grey-Haired Policy Director. With its distinctive wrinkled suit and thick briefing binder, this stalwart ministerial companion can most often be found massaging its temples and pretending to be a non-smoker. This is Grey-Haired Policy Director number five, Jesus Christ What The Fuck Advil.”

“Famous for its ability to speak off the record, the Returning Chief of Staff is also known for its tendency to Just Have To Take This Call. Its demeanour ranges from prudent to sensible. At home with stakeholders and bureaucrats alike, the Chief of Staff is a natural leader of meetings that should have been emails. Please welcome Returning Chief of Staff number seventeen, Tims Starbucks Señor Unnamed Source.”

“The Special Assistant Communications is among the most common breeds, but no one is really sure why. Affectionate and social, the Special Assistant Communications is easily identified by its multiple phones, aversion to socks, personal Hill Times subscription, garden party profile pic, and ability to nod along meaningfully when conversation shifts to the Other Official Language. This is Special Assistant Communications number three, Queens Western McGill Oxford Comma Hansard.”

“Friendly and determined, Ontario Desks are sometimes confused by different time zones but never fail to deliver when a 905 photo opp is needed. Updated standards no longer require these regional advisors to tell you about their favourite craft beer, but they will anyway. This is Ontario Desk number nine, Milton Pickering South Gwillimbury Hipster.”